Dinorama

I just put together a dinosaur movie section at the video store. It's good; it's got your Jurassic Parks, Carnosaurs 1 - 3, Land Before Times 1 - 8 zillion. and one of my personal favorites:
Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend.

Baby is one of those kids movies with a plot that is way too sad and creepy for children. Comes across like your parents telling a story to each other in front of you that requires them to s-p-e-l-l out a large number of the words. It's like The Bear but with a brontosaurus(a dinosaur paleontologists have decided doesn't exist), a PG-13 level love making scene, a ridiculously worded and long winded title, but without a psychedelic mushroom tripping sequence:

but that's off topic.
There are some essentials missing from the dinosaur section though; Such as We're Back, Adventures in Dinosaur City, but most notably:
Dinosaur Island: A charmin soft porn with dinosaurs presented by Roger Corman.



The Jim Henson Puppet sitcom Dinosaurs:














The disgusting Whoopi Goldberg, buddy cop, dystopian future epic:
Theodore Rex

Last and least the super boring Prehysteria! There was three of these direct to video turds: (The dinosaurs are small! that's the kid from Last Action Hero! Turn it off!)

EEEE.T. New Mexico: The Atari Video Game Burial

Roswell isn't the only final resting spot for crashing Aliens.
From Wikipedia:

"the Atari video game burial of 1983 was an infamous event in video gaming history, in which Atari dumped thousands of video game cartridges, allegedly including a large number of copies of its video game adaptation E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, into a New Mexico landfill. It was one of the consequences of the North American video game crash of 1983. "















E.T. is widely considered on of the biggest video game flops of all time and may have caused the crisis within the industry. I can tell you, the game play is terrible. But has anyone taken it upon themselves to go and seek out this treasure? Let's do it next time I'm down there.

DUENDE!

I have duende fever. If you don't know yet a duende is a house spirit that looks just like a common garden gnome. And for some reason garden gnomes terrify Latin American teens...Well, at least on Youtube they do. All of this has been going on for a couple years now and as far as I can tell this is the video that started it all:

I LOVE THAT TINY MAN! He just crab waddles out of the bushes, gives the crowd a little wave and that's enough to send these kids into hysterical screams and panic.
The rest of the videos that followed(of the one's that weren't obvious fakes.) all kinda adhere to the same formula. Kids playing, talking, and laughing in Spanish/Portuguese then at the end of the video: DUENDE! Followed by pandemonium. That and the duendes seem to be a bit smaller than the first one.

DAMNIT! He was just lounging there the whole time. oh brother. This one's pretty good:

Hackysack? no,no,no DUENDETIME!

From Brazil:

Is that guy in fatigues? Not even army men are immune to the Micro-terror that is DUENDE! I wonder if some South American film company is gonna make a Crittersesque, direct to DVD horror franchise out of this craze. They SHOULD!
Lastly, there does seem to be one American duende clip. The title of the video cracks me up. I bring you: I Know Gnomes Arent Real, But Can Someone Please Help Me

NEW POST!!! I'm back on this shit. Ghost poem

Sorry, I had a busy summer.
Hey you know what's weird? THIS: Every time I open a new document in my Microsoft Word this poem is there, and i have to delete it to get started. Google searches have returned no info as to the author's identity . I cannot figure out why this would happen. anyway here is the poem: I kinda like it in a high school gothy way.

AND NO ONE EVER FOUND ANY REMAINS (a success story)

Restraining order, this morning’s edge around

The bed comes in closer, pours in

To send the regular capacity for muddering.

The mildew from your scr eamy cuff glitters

Under an average glass as you turn the vehicle.

The crank screech of worn down windshield wipers

With all the usual shortcuts.

Being a multifrailty of impetuous renderers, listen

Closely now, maintain distance

From your cohorts. Hear

L’esprit l’escalier, even

The continent rumble of the dryer as

An airplane. For she never heard the advice.

Jets

Lingered with traces of tambourines

Under shaded foreign tunnels.

It covers our words in lurid echoes.

I turn and choke in bed on those muffles councils.

Beg strenuous more light rain to aid

Study that same fence from this angle day after languid day.

Three weeks ago

I came home early, two weeks ago, the bedroom

Door slammed. Thus began one endless session

Of brushing hair

And crumpled sleep and

All is calm

And all is bright

Except this slut who knocks around

The bedroom window, late low-cut

Teetering for some favor or other. We learn

How to say no. Queue nostalgic train whistle.

The base of things

Comes in

Pockets between her

And that sound

Or a woman packing

In New York and me here, plagued with pinching myself

Next to the stereo

With no interruptions. The end will be

A series

Of burns followed by a dogfight. A camera will flash without film.

Someone

Will be seen running away

That no one ever knew

Was there. And I will cough and stare at the ground,

Afterall, I did sign an alias.

I saw one third of Transformers 2

It was the first third and I walked out. I went with a good friend with the intention of making fun of it the whole time. This started off ok; we even had the whole theater to ourselves. Then we fell silent upon feeling guilty; realizing it was kinda like teasing your friend's mentally disabled little brother. jerk move. So FUCK YOU DOUBLE Michael Bay for making a retarded movie for stupid idiots and then making me feel bad for making fun of it. bite me.
Everyone should see the original cartoon movie for a million reasons but here's just a taste: It's got an amazing soundtrack (including Stan Bush's "The Touch"), it was Orson Well's last movie(voice of the mighty planet sized Unicron), and Optimus stays dead.
Heres a couple of Transformers jokes my friend Nick told me:

I just flew in from the Transformers convention, and boy are my arms tires.

So this Decepticon turns into a bar...

Eee New Mexico: Breaking Bad

I just finished reading the list of nominees for the Emmys this year and am psyched that my favorite high concept show set in ALBUQUERQUE has landed three:
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series: Bryan Cranston who plays Walter; A pathetic failed chemist turned high school teacher that upon being diagnosed with terminal lung cancer decides to cook meth with one of his former students to get some extra skrilla for his family before he kicks it. Bryan Cranston is amazing and gets extra points seeing as he played the dad in Malcolm in the Middle, a show I absolutely detested.




















Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: Aaron Paul who plays Jesse: the meth cook/head sidekick to Walter. He does wannabe vato white boy pretty well and they even throw in some good colloquialisms for him to embarrass himself with (I heard him utter "a la vergas." once or twice).















and
Outstanding Drama Series!!!
The show is so great at using Albuquerque's sprawl and surrounding parched earth to convey the mood of extreme desperation. One of the meth head motels they use for a scene I delivered pizzas to and I tell ya, it was one of the most demented and scary places I have ever been. Later they blow up the top floor of one of my favorite coffee shops(Downtown Java Joe's has a stupid name, bodacious breakfast burritos, and apparently a crystal meth dealership above it). Man, I hope to see some South Valley action in future episodes. Anyway, the pilot in it's self has been better than 95% of the movies I've seen this year so check it!

Vanity Chest: Cartoon Characters I Fell in Love With.

Gadget from Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers. Chip and Dale and I think just about every boy I knew had it bad for her. She's just got it going on despite not being human. moving on..

Dr. Blight from Captain Planet was an evil cosmetics tycoon voiced by Meg Ryan. The Planteteers had it out for her cause she tested her products on animals/humans.

Half her face is hideously scarred from some freak accident but I don't care cause it's covered by her amazing hair. Also..the jumpsuit? Daaaamn.

I know she was only from commercials but Snaps of the Burger King Kids Club was totally bangin'. When I was nine I once fell asleep clutching a greasy paper sack graced by her image. I'd always imagined Kid Vid as this Warholesque leader of the club. He discovered Snap's photography while she was living on the streets and took her into his fast food commune.
Anyway, Snaps is arty, cute, rocks overalls and is probably the only straight female in the BKKC. Just sayin', Boomer has roller blades on ALL THE TIME. I could go on forever about these guys, but nah.



Mike Rowe from the Discovery series Dirty Jobs is not an animated crush of mine but apparently in the early nineties he hosted QVC at two in the morning and was hilarious.
Here's his thoughts on the subject: